Uncle Fred reminds us that sometimes we have to fight monsters, and that while there are many ways to do such things, some methods are better than others.
…and if thou gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will also gaze into thee.
Whenever I see that overused quote, I assume that Nietzsche is taking an Aristotelian position on teleology, and I think both of those guys would suggest that we deliberate at length on matters of strategy, before acting decisively. This bit of wisdom may evoke a number of avatars — from Joseph Smith to George Washington — depending upon one’s own history and experience. For me, the living embodiment of decisiveness is Captain Kirk.
While Spock agonizes about his mixed-race background, and Sulu sweats bullets about being outed for the homo that he is, Kirk boldly swaggers around the ship he captains, completely secure in his captainness. Captain Kirk doesn’t worry about things he can’t change, and Captain Kirk pays no mind to empty threats, even when they’re shouted theatrically by Ricardo Montalban over the subspace communicator. Captain Kirk goes where he wants, when he wants, and often he goes where no man has gone before. Like all the rest of us, the men on the Enterprise occasionally seem deeply unsure of themselves. As the living embodiment of masculinity, Captain Kirk exists to mirror our best selves, and inspire us to act accordingly.
Recently, I rigged up a new twitter account, with the help of a throwaway Google Voice phone number. I originally reappeared on the platform to watch people troll an idiot named Sheila, but I also caught wind of Captain Kirk, who was in the process of being attacked by feminists. Why were the feminists swarming?
Apparently, this shit happened:
Kirk was brazen enough to express a sensible opinion about the matter: namely, that the denunciation of a long-dead author is a stupid and shallow thing to do. Suddenly, all manner of feminist nitwits started doing their usual dogpile.
Their main point was that Kirk should “stay in his lane” because they had Ph.D.s, and sheeit.
Was Captain Kirk shaken? Not in the slightest.
Captain Kirk rightly sees academics for what we are: self-important preeners. That goes double for those of us who append letters to the end of our signature, or adopt “Doctor” as our first names.
After a loud-and-proud feminist wimminz called Captain Kirk a racist old white dude, he retweeted her accusation to the dean of her department.
She shut the fuck up after that — as well she should. Academic wimminz had best get hip to the fact that their degrees don’t impress the guy who commands the Enterprise.
He’s got your tenure, right here…
Whereas lesser men would be cowed by a gaggle of wealthy wimminz from first world countries, who make careers out of denouncing upstarts for their “privilege,” Kirk flips the bird at such creeps. They hear him scoff as his hand emerges, from the window of his starfleet cruiser, as he whips past at warp 43.
How dare you disagree? Don’t you realize who we are?
Suddenly, other academic wimminz jump in to accuse Captain Kirk of “harassment”. Captain Kirk responds in his typical Kirkly fashion, always exuding an air of amused mastery.
While academics take great pride in the fact that they get published to journals, Captain Kirk reminds us that our papers are generally read by about twenty people, worldwide, and that everyone finds our work boring. In contrast, Captain Kirk has a nine-figure audience, and everyone loves him.
Now at the end of their rope, the feminist wimminz of academia beat a hasty retreat, and forward come their replacements of the male-auxiliary, tone-policing and condemning as expected. Kirk sets phasers to stun, and laughs derisively as he puts simp after simp into a coma.
I don’t know if Captain Kirk has seen one of my favorite youtube videos, but I want to suspect this reference was more than circumstantial. Press play to pay proper respects to the wimminz of academia. (Warning: NSFW)
Kirk mocks you, as you call him a “sexist.” Such cheap theatrics don’t work on the man who tongue-kissed Uhura, the same day he banged out the green alien chick.
Kirk also wants you to know that he loves Pepe the Frog, 4Chan and spicy memes. He takes comfort in your faux outrage, and doesn’t give a shit about your meaningless virtue signaling. As though he hadn’t sufficiently proven his greatness, he also takes a swipe at journalists.
It surprises no one that Captain Kirk emerges, in cyberspace as in meatspace and outer space, completely victorious. He takes a moment to reiterate, just in case three days of humiliation weren’t enough for you.
And he ends, as all master trolls will, with the coup de grace. For days people painted Kirk as an illiterate hillbilly. He used that pretense to make light of all his detractors. And now the turn: As Captain Kirk is a much greater person than his critics, so too are his credentials superior to theirs.
Dr. Captain Kirk, Litt.D. (McGill University) also earned the Order of Canada, along with a lifetime of professional awards for acting, authoring, and captaining. Apparently the self-important PhD/MA/MFA crowd doesn’t know how to open up the encyclopedia and grab his bio. No one is surprised.
To Kirk, these honors are not a big deal. Kirk is supremely accomplished, it’s true; but, above all things, Kirk is a normal guy, which is why he doesn’t legally change his first name to “Doctor.” It’s also the reason that so many people can stand to hang out with him on the recreation deck.
And this is really the point I hoped to drive home. Captain Kirk is the pinnacle of manhood, in large part because he wears his pudgy physique and his weird grin in the same way Nietzsche wore his mustache: with utter confidence. Characters like Socrates and Jesus are ideals we can, at best, attempt to approach. Nobody can be Socrates or Jesus, except for Socrates and Jesus. All of us can be Captain Kirk. We just have to act like the men that we are.