The Private Man Has Completed His Journey

A moment to remember a solid and unassuming writer, who never came across as anything other than genuine. Go easy…

The Private Man

It is with great sadness that I have to inform everyone that Andrew Hansen a.k.a. The Private Man has completed his journey as 9:27 PM April 3 2017.

As many know unfortunately his cancer had returned a few weeks ago and there was not much to be done to help him. He chose to face it head-on rather then try experimental treatments. His greatness and courage in the face of knowing his own moral demise is an inspiration for us all.

It’s a great loss for not only all that followed his writing and his teachings but for those of us who consider him a friend. His last days were as comfortable as possible and he passed peacefully.

I can only hope that he realized how many peoples lives he touched and we were all better for knowing him. As the saying goes “Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because…

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While most confirmed bachelors get their needs met, the typical single guy allows for the spontaneous initiation of the medium-term fling out of the occasional short-term bang. This can be interpreted as a subconscious collective strategy by women to curb the collective masculine in the sexual marketplace. It generally works, because the man gets distracted by all the good sex he’s getting from medium-term fling girl, and starts forgetting the alphabet.

A.B.C. is an acronym which stands for “always be closing.”

Johnny gets on Plenty of Fish, OK Cupid, Snatch Dot Com, and similar sites, right outta high school. He starts collecting phone numbers. He can’t believe it’s so easy. Around about girl number 25, he meets Sarah. Sarah has nice dark eyes, a great ass, and she’s always doing little thoughtful things for him. Johnny makes the mistake of announcing to the world (and to all the other ho’s he’s banging) that he’s met someone amazing. He starts concentrating on Sarah. He goes all in. If she makes him dinner, he buys her flowers. He starts pondering vacations together, and wonders how well it’d go over if he took her home for Christmas dinner to meet his parents.

Suddenly, and seemingly without warning, Sarah starts declining Johnny’s advances. She “needs her space.” She thinks Johnny is “moving too fast.”

What actually happened was this: That night, last week, when Sarah told Johnny she had to study/work late/visit her mom, she went out clubbing with her skank-ho girlfriends. While she was having anonymous sex with various guys in the public toilet, she met Mark. Mark makes a lot more money than Johnny, so she wants to see where he can take her.

Johnny suddenly has lots of free time, and a surfeit of sadness and depression.

Had Johnny taken Brother Boxer’s advice, he would still have a chance to keep Sarah on the leash. When she texted him to express these weird sentiments, he would have sent a one-word reply:


and then he’d have deleted her number, her photos, etc.

He would have been able to do this without too much hesitation, because he had Amber, Bethany, Carol and Darla in his iCloud contacts list, and they would take up the sexual slack that Sarah’s sudden departure had caused. He has other options because, as Boxer reminds him, he is to Always Be Closing. Keep getting phone numbers. Keep chatting up cute baristas. Keep running game in the laundromat (a strangely productive place for me in my youth). Keep your profiles up on PoF, OKC, etc…

Of course, when Mark tires of Sarah (and it’ll be weeks, not months) she will suddenly start sending ‘wat up’ type texts to Johnny. If he is anything like Brother Boxer, he will respond with:

sorry, who is this?

letting the bitch know that he deleted her number. This will cause her to start mildly groveling, at which point Johnny will have the option to either reject Sarah, or to allow her to re-enter his orbit at a wildly reduced level of commitment.

Of course, Johnny is new to this game, and he hasn’t remembered his ABC’s, so when Sarah hits him with the “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” text, and demands “just a little bit of space” to “find myself,” he panics. He has no other options left, and a sort of existential dread kicks in. Johnny starts sending Sarah long messages, which alternate between wordy demands for an explanation, rambling declarations of eternal devotion (how cute!) and ambiguous apologies for real or perceived slights that directly led to this tragedy.

Naturally, this only serves to convince Sarah that Johnny is unhinged or possibly retarded, and she quietly becomes sure in the knowledge that she made the right choice. She then gets back to picking out the best lingerie to wear for Mark that evening. Johnny will never hear from Sarah again.

Needy, whiny and desperate are not good qualities in a young man.

Always Be Closing.